Friday, January 11, 2013

I am my own worst enemy

For those of you who know me well, you you how ridiculously hard I am on myself.  I am a perfectionist, in life and in training/competing.  This can be a good thing and a VERY BAD thing. 

Allow me to explain a little more in-depth.

I have had many races, races where I have been in 1st place, where I simply "lose faith" in myself and start to question why I am where I am.  I often feel that I don't deserve it, or that I haven't given it my all.  I have actually said out loud in the middle of a race "I'm not an ultra runner, I don't have any talent".  These demons have almost destroyed several of my races and have made me want to stop running/CrossFitting several times.  I don't know why I constantly doubt myself and why I question my abilities... I just always feel that I could've done something more.

Corey was the first person to really call me out on this self doubt, and it was truly a wake up call for me.  I have decided to make an effort to believe in myself this year, and to ignore everyone who seeks to put me down! 

Now this plan hit a bit of a snag lately when I let some things that others said about me get to me.  I again started to doubt my abilities, which is INSANE, given how hard I'm working and how much progress I have made.  It's funny, because I know that what they said was out of jealousy and the fact that I achieved something great, but it still affected me.  I don't understand why people can't just be supportive and happy when others do well!! UGH!!  Especially women... we are truly cruel to each other...  (note to self: be kind to all women/girls, we need it)

I know this is a bit of a rant, and not the "norm" for my blog.  But I think we all have inner-demons and we all doubt ourselves from time to time.  I just want people to know that I feel the same way, and I often doubt myself.  I know I need to get stronger mentally for this year, and the first step is writing this. 



  1. YA GIRL! I think a lot of people, especially women struggle with this. And AMEN to your point about women being so cruel to each other! It makes me crazy (although I have to make a conscious not to do it myself) that we are so awful to each other. All over the world women are being suppressed not just by men but by women as well! If we are ever going to find ourselves equal to men we need to believe it ourselves by being kind to each other, believing in each other!

    That was a bit of a tangent, I know...

    But Laura, if you could only see yourself through my eyes and through sooooo many other people's eyes you would never doubt yourself, not even for a second!!!

  2. Glad you posted this, Laura -- you are ABSOLUTELY right -- we can be very hard on ourselves. You KNOW that you work hard, you KNOW that you have proven time and time again that you are a great athlete. Unfortunately, there will always be people around that are envious, jealous, mean-spirited. Forget about them -- they have their own issues to deal with. WE are awesome, strong women, and we deserve to celebrate our healthy, strong lifestyles.... you are doing awesome, and I am very happy and proud to know you, and count you among my training partners.

    Happy Trails!

    Sylvie King

  3. Great blog! You're totally right- it's easy to be your own worst enemy sometimes- but you should know- you're an inspiration to lots of people! You're all about hard work and you don't let tough times get you down. I'll never forget in Vermont when I thought you were done running and it was clear that none of the 200 entrants were going to make it in allowed time...You went back out on the course and gutted out more miles. You dug DEEP and we should all strive to have half that awesome of an attitude. Keep rockin and rollin up there in Canada. This Laura is seriously impressed.